Learning to Live
by LydiaAnneArrow
Summary: Set at the end of Season 3. Oliver is remembering his date with Felicity at the beginning of Season 3 and the subsequent state of their relationship. My idea of how things might go.


_**Wow, I don't know where this came from. All of the Comic Con stuff just inspired me, I guess. :) This story takes place at the end of Season 3, but Oliver is thinking about the beginning of Season 3 (the date with Felicity). I've never believed that Oliver was lying or faking about loving Felicity. I think Felicity was in on the plan the whole time...but Oliver hadn't planned on saying "I love you" in that moment. I also believe that Felicity is the stronger of the two. She's not a silly girl. She is in love with Oliver too, but she's in control of her life. I don't see Felicity as a 'swooner'. :) So, with that...here's the story.**_

_**By the way, you might need a tissue or two. Fair warning!**_

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Oliver lay on the training mat in the foundry, staring at the beams in the ceiling. He was the only one in the basement that night. He had given the team a night off. Dig had a new daughter and Roy needed to help Thea reacclimate. Felicity had practically drooled at the idea that she could spend the night in pajamas, watching TV. Oliver had figured he would spend the evening training. Usually he looked forward to training, but this night, he just wasn't interested. And so he found himself laying on his back, staring at the ceiling. And thinking.

Felicity. Things had been different between them for the past seven months. Not bad. Very good, in fact. They were closer and stronger than ever. But, they were different. Oliver had finally worked up the courage to ask Felicity on a date. Things seemed good. He felt settled. He thought maybe he was closer to hanging up the hood.

But, it didn't work out that way. Their date started out well. Felicity looked beautiful. They had a nice meal. He even confided more about his five years away than he had before. He wanted this woman to know him inside and out. He finally felt ready to let her all the way in.

But after dinner it all went awry. Oliver winced as he remembered the night. The explosion, the fire, the blood covering her face and neck. The panic he felt as he struggled to reach her.

He remembered standing over her body in the foundry, his mind in shock. Diggle was rushing to gather the medical supplies. Oliver couldn't move. He could only stand there. It wasn't until Dig shook his shoulder with aggressive force that Oliver snapped out of his stupor.

Oliver sat by her unmoving, sleeping form all night. He thought about her life and safety. He knew that she deserved a safer, simpler life. And up until that point, he had always pushed her far enough away to avoid entangling her in his darkness. Until that night. She was laying bleeding on that road because she was a part of this life. But, Oliver suprised himself. He didn't want to push her away again. He didn't want to tell her he couldn't be with her. Maybe it was selfish, but he didn't care. He felt fiercely protective of her and vowed to never let her go.

He could see that there would never be a time when the city didn't need the Arrow. And he had to figure out how to balance these two lives. Maybe Oliver Queen wasn't ever supposed to come back from the island. Maybe he was only meant to be the Arrow.

But all of that didn't matter anymore. He had the woman he loved next to him and he knew life wasn't worth anything if he let her go.

Oliver's plan to hold Felicity close forever hadn't quite panned out the way he had hoped. He had fallen asleep next to her, his body draped over the edge of the table. He jerked awake when she squeezed his hand and whispered his name. He couldn't stop himself from kissing her forehead and touching every inch of skin on her face, neck and arms. She was awake, she was alive.

They spent hours talking and resting, while wrapped around each other. When the sun was bright in the sky outside, Felicity's stomach rumbled and they both chuckled.

"You're hungry. I'll call Diggle to get you something," he told her, as he softly moved his hand over her hair.

"I still feel ... woozy. I don't know if I can keep food down."

"Maybe food will help."

She finally agreed to food, and they waited for Dig to arrive. He gave her a bite of a protein bar he had stashed, but she refused the rest of it. He set it aside, refusing to eat until she had her food too.

Diggle came and went. Roy called, but Oliver told him to keep away. He didn't want Felicity to have too much activity.

And he wanted to be alone with her. But he didn't tell Roy that part. Whether the younger man understood the unspoken need or not, he didn't come to the foundry.

Felicity slowly regained her strength and clairity throughout the day and eventually their conversations turned more serious.

"Oliver, you know it's not your fault that this happened, right?" she said after a period of silence.

He was quiet. Of course it was his fault. She never would have been in the line of fire if she didn't know him. He squeezed her hand tighter and leaned his head on her upper arm.

She reached down and lifted his head so they were looking each other in the eyes, "Oliver," she whispered, "I had a good time on the date...you know...until..."

He half smiled as he looked deeply in her eyes, "So did I. The next date will be better, I promise."

Felicity was silent then. Oliver thought she looked almost sad. He reached out and caressed her cheek, "It will be okay, Felicity. We always seem to make it through these things. What matters is that we are together," he said softly.

Felicity closed her eyes for a moment and sighed, "Oliver," she took a deep breath, "Oliver, I don't want to go out with you again."

The words hit him like a truck. He couldn't believe his ears. She was pushing him away and he wasn't sure his heart could take it.

"Felicity, Wh..." he began, but she stopped him with her hand over his mouth.

"Oliver, I do love you. I do. And I know you love me. And it's not that I don't want...this. But, not right now. We can't."

"No," he started anxiously, "I'm ready Felicity. I promise I won't run. I won't abandon you. I could never do that. You're not like the other women I've been with. I'm not that man anymore," he finished in a whisper, feeling his chest constricting as he eyes filled with hot tears.

"Oh Oliver, I know," she said, clearly emotional, "I don't think you'd ever hurt me or abandon me. I know you," she grasped his hand tightly, "I know you," she whispered.

"Then why?" he was crying, he didn't care. This wasn't how this was supposed to happen. His emotions were raw and real. He couldn't hide them from her anymore.

"Oliver, you haven't let go of my hand for hours. Did you know that?"

He looked down as her hand, realizing she was right.

"You almost died!" he choked out.

"I know...it's okay! I'm not angry. I'm not...I don't even know. But I'm not. I understand, Oliver," she said, her voice filled with sympathy.

Why was she the sympathetic one? That should have been Oliver's role. She was the injured one. Nothing in the world was making sense and he felt like he was about to implode.

Before he responded, Felicity continued, "Oliver, I know you. _You_ know you. You will not let go. You will protect me to the very end. And I love you for it. But it's also your damage. Because I know," she said quieter, as she cupped his face, "I know you will let the whole world fall away to protect me. And I can't let you do that. You are a living, breathing person, Oliver. You need to live," she took a deep breath, "You can't even let go of my hand. Will you sleep? Will you eat? Or will you resolve yourself to one mission only? To protect me."

Oliver was floored. Yes, he would protect her. Wasn't that the point? Shouldn't he protect her? Shouldn't she want that?

"Oliver, you just started to free yourself from the obsessions that plagued you when you returned. And that's why we could go on our date and that's why it was wonderful. Because you were free. But not now. You'll begin a new obsession. And I refuse be the cause of that. I don't want you to fall back into that cavern."

Oliver closed his eyes and knew it was true. She knew him too well. He was heartbroken and angry that he was that type of creature.

Opening his eyes, he saw tears streaming down her face and he knew she didn't want this as much as he didn't want it.

But she was right.

And he was so proud of her. She was the strong one, she was his rock.

She protected _him_.

He couldn't argue with her, so he squeezed her hand and then gently let it go. The air that hid his palm was like daggers and he drew in a sharp breath.

"I'll get there. I'll get better," he said, finally.

"I know you will. I believe in you and I know you will. But, you just aren't there yet."

He didn't know what to say, so he looked down as his hands that were so very far away from hers. It felt so wrong.

"Oliver, I..." she began, hesitant, "We have to live our lives."

He looked up at her sadly, but didn't react. He knew what was coming.

"We can't wait for each other. Do you understand?"

Yes. Yes, he understood. But he couldn't form the words.

"Maybe someday, we will be at that place together. Maybe it will happen. But we can't force it or wait for it. That's not how life works."

He heard her draw in a quick, stilted breath. A sob was forming in her throat as she spoke.

"I know," he whispered, "I wouldn't ask you to wait, Felicity."

He wanted the best for her. Happiness, success, safety, love. And he knew he wasn't the man to give her those things right now. No matter how much he loved her, he was controlled by his obsessions.

He would overcome it. He would find his way. He vowed to make her proud and become the man she believed he could be.

That was seven months ago. Felicity had found someone in those seven months. Ray Palmer. He was a decent guy and they seemed happy. But it didn't last. Three weeks ago, Felicity had called Oliver the night she'd ended it with Ray. It hadn't been a bad breakup, but she had just needed to talk it through. She called Oliver her best friend. Those words meant everything to him.

After the failed date, Oliver spent those months working hard to become more than his obsession. As he lay there that night, he realized how far he had come. Felicity had started seeing Ray, and though Oliver had felt jealousy, his desire for her to be happy overrode it. He struggled, but he fought. And now he knew, he had finally figured it out. He wasn't an obsessive, broken man anymore. He was whole and full of life. The Arrow and the mission didn't control him. He WAS Oliver Queen. Oliver Queen WAS the Arrow. The obsessiveness he had felt before was replaced with a genuine desire to experience everything. He no longer felt so one-track minded.

And he never would have figured that out without Felicity. Without losing Felicity.

He sighed. Ironic. Losing the woman he loved made him into the man he needed to be to love her.

Oliver breathed deeply and sat up. He was laying on this floor thinking about her because he was...bored. It was an odd concept to him. He hadn't felt bored in years. Obsessions didn't allow room for boredom. Just another signpost that he wasn't that man anymore. Up until that night, Oliver had hesitated to go to Felicity outside of 'work'. He wanted her to have her life. And he needed to focus on finding his.

But he had done that. He was here...a new man. No obsessions, no missions.

Just boredom and loneliness. He wanted to see her. He wanted to spend time with her. Not to woo her. Not to ask her on a date. He didn't know if he'd ever get that chance again. All he knew was that he missed her and he wanted to see his friend.

Oliver stood with conviction. _Forget this._ The hesitation and careful moments. He didn't need to worry about a boyfriend who wouldn't understand their friendship anymore. Ray was out of the picture. He was going to go to her and ask to spend time with her. It was decided.

And an hour later, he was at her door, staring at it as though it were a wild animal. He gathered the courage to knock, but before he placed his knuckles on the door, it slowly opened.

"Um, what'cha doin', Oliver?" she asked, with an amused grin on her face.

"Knocking?"

"Not so much, actually."

"Well, you interupted me," he grinned back.

She nodded and gave him that look. That look that said, _"yeah, I know exactly what's going on here, mister."_ He loved that look.

"I, uh. I'm..." he tried to figure out what to say, but he was distracted by her purple pajama pants and California Raisins tee-shirt, "I'm bored."

_Well, that was smooth, Oliver._ He wanted to slap himself.

"Ugh. Not what I meant."

She laughed and stepped aside, giving him room to enter.

"Thanks," he said as he smiled sheepishly.

"Well, since my doorstep made you so bored," she said sarcasticly as she shut the door behind him, "maybe the 'foyer' will be more interesting," she used airquotes as she said 'foyer', obviously refering to the substantial size difference between her home's entryway and his.

"So not what I meant," he grinned as he looked back at her.

She smiled, but then got serious, "Are you okay, though? I mean...you don't tend to visit my abode..."

He looked down at his shoes and noticed her bare feet only inches away from him, "I know. I didn't want to cause any trouble with Ray. He seemed a little weirded out by our friendship as it was," he grinned as he looked into her eyes, "And before that...well, I was a brooding, obsessive, dark, basement dweller."

Instantly, she was doubled over, laughing uncontrollably. He smiled wide and true. Her laughter was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard.

After a moment, she looked back into his eyes, her laughter fading into chuckles until she was smiling as wide as he was. Silence. Comfortable silence.

"So...you're not a brooding, obsessive, dark, basement dweller anymore, Mr. Queen?"

"No." he whispered with conviction.

"Well, then, welcome to the land of the living! We have ice cream," she winked as she bounded around him to the kitchen. He kicked off his shoes and followed her, ready to begin living his life.

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_**Ok, I hope you liked it! I totally increased the profit margin of the Kleenex company while writing it. :) Aaaaand...I'm thinking there might be another chapter on this one... ;)**_


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